those bad days..

first of all , i dont really know how to start ..
today was the 30. april, actually a totally normal day...
however today i learned a really important thing..
you cant always be nice and kind to people who wont be the same to you..
i am just in some aspects really naive and think that u would do the same for me like i would for you.
i helped u so much and so many times and you seriously didn´t and just now, after a lot of times i realized that i cant continue like that coz its me who suffers.
secondly, i gave you J my trust in a certain way  which i never gave someone..
you were the first and after 5 or 6 years we still feel the same things for each other ..
its weird coz i thought that feelings disappear, but they didn't. when your not here i miss you and its different obviously but when your here i just want to touch you the whole time and be with you .
tomoro is ur last way and then we wont see each other for ages..
i hope so badly that i can come to your b-day and make u a surprise... we will see..
all in all i realized that everything HAPPENS FOR A REASON
trust me EVERYTHING ..
more and more i see that god is on our side and does only want the best for us.
also i more and more see who my real friends are and who i´m becoming, an adult, a girl who knows what she is capable of and who she really is.
added to that i love joana, my best friend she is the one i can call , don't need to talk a lot and understands me right away so that i feel much better right away..
who really surprised me this year was my mate yannik.. he is in

my school , in my class and i trust him a lot. Obviously he has his bad sides, but at the end of the day he always asks me how i am when i am bad and he listens to me and helps me in every situation.. i thought he was a little immature at first, as he is in my age and boys are normally a little different in the way of thinking in comparison to the girls in the same age, but he really knows a lot and is an amazing friend .
by dear readers soon i will post more xx

feelings for a boy

today is a tipical sunday,
after a night out i start to think a lot about things which happened in the week.
sundays are just those days which I never liked and never will like, they just make me feel sad, because i basically dont do anything and need to study, and this combination is awful.
well lets begin..
this is my first post so dont take judge me right away...
well.. this last weeks have been really hard for me, as i knew i had to give u space and dont talk to you anymore. i don't know why i´m so sad about giving you space if its actually for our own god, however i cant just sit here and don´t do anything and see you having fun and me thinking bout you everyday..
its so hard to not think about you to see you online and knowing you might be talking to someone new who you might even like more than me. i really don't know if you ever liked me, i guess you didn't and i am pretty sure about that because it was my fault that we kissed and it was my fault that we actually started this all.. i was just to much into the idea having the perfect boyfriend..
first i thought i didn't like you that much but more and more i only thought about you i did so much for you .. i could show you so many proves that you are the one i really like.. the thing is i don´t have to prove you anything now because you dont even care for me you were able to get further in comparison to me.. maybe its because you´re not that sensitive like me .. to be honest i thought it was the best idea to fight for you but the sentence "i want space until i don´t feel anything anymore" scares me . on one side the sentence says : we both dont work so bye dont wanna see you anymore , and on the other side the sentence says : prove to me that we both work so that i don't need to forget you and don´t have feelings for you anymore. why is it so hard ?! i´m so dead confused and just want to know what to do.. well my head says i should just leave you and continue in front but my heart says that we are special and that i should fight for you . but i guess you are still a little to young for me , the part that you didnt want to talk about our problems in person showed me that it wasn´t that important for you... i mean if it was than u would have fought for me right..
to be honest i cant be bothered to analyse this anymore, i guess this just complicates it all, but im sure about one thing. until today i never liked someone so much i know it sounds weird but its true....
this was a long explanation about my love life, so soon i will try not to explain so much bout it too step by step forget you too..